Whats this all about ?

A very warm welcome to you however you came to be here. The first time I wrote an intro to go here, it was pretty pessimistic and rather depressing, but I’m hoping things have moved on a little since then so this is draft two.  I’m pretty nervous. Let me get the thing that’s worrying me out of the way first. I’m an infertile wanna be midwife. I write about all parts of my life on my blog so sometimes you’ll find me ranting about the pain and injustice of infertility because, let’s face it, this thing is a bitch… but then in other posts I’ll be talking about my feelings and my journey as I chase my dream to become a registered midwife in the UK. I say this upfront because I absolutely do not want anything I write about here to cause you distress, so if you are feeling fragile or just not in the mood please go ahead and bypass my ramblings. I will not take offense, I promise. Please know that you take with you my very best wishes in hopes that your dreams come true.

I have PCOS (DX Summer 2006) and some other medical history including a heart problem which basically means the chances of me conceiving and then safely carrying a baby to term are… well, ridiculously small.  I am trying to recover from an abusive relationship with my father as a result of which, amongst other things, means that I’m not close to my family. By the end of 2006 I had lost my job, seen a relationship break down, moved house and was suffering anxiety and severe depression. I’m not proud of it, but things just all fell apart. Fast forward to now and you join me as I’m trying to put the pieces all back together. I haven’t had a panic attack in months (fingers crossed). I’m back at college studying Access to Health Professions. I’m looking for work (me and a million other people). I’m in a relationship with a guy who’s been my close friend for over 8 years. We call him Kayak Man (KM). At 28, he just graduated college, wants us to be married by this time next year and dreams of joining the Navy.  While we are not TTC at the moment I really struggle with commitment because of my past and my infertility. Welcome to my journey…

Oh I should introduce the guy in the background. We refer to him as Gadget Guy. He’s a very good friend I met online. He currently lives in Chicago with Mrs. Gadget Guy and their oh so cute bunny Chip and he looooves gadgets (the clues in the name). (Editor: Hello… Gadget Guy here…! …EDIT: Hey! That wasn’t me! Ali pretended to be me! THIS is Gadget Guy! 😛 ) I tell you about him because, well, I’m dyslexic and he’s my editor/human spell checker. If you want to read about it the info is here. My master plan is here. If you think I’m crazy for wanting to be a midwife, you should read these posts.

A few people have written their A-Z for an intro. I had to give it a go:

A: America – My Favorite place to Travel/explore/learn about/the place I would live if given the choice.

B: Baseball – My sport. The only one I really follow

C: Comments – Feel free to leave them.  I’ll do my best to return them.

D: Dyslexic- Yes I am.

E: Exercise – also referred to as the “E” thing. Something I need to do more of.

F: Father –  …… a long and complicated story.

G: Gadget Guy- My good friend from Chicago also my human spell checker 😛

H: Home – something I’m looking for.

I: Infertility – the main cause of my depression / frustration… perhaps anger.

J: Job Seeking – uugh it sucks

K: Kayak Man – My significant other

L: Liverpool – the nearest big city to me

M: Midwife – something I hope to become.

N: Needle Work – something I wish I had more time for

O: Ocean – something very beautiful to me.

P: PCOS – something I struggle with

Q: Questions – I often have them and I nearly always answer them when I’m asked.

R: Reading – something I will be doing a lot more of over the next few years.

S: Scottish – my actual nationality

T: Theatre – my forgotten passion. How I miss it

U: University – The journey I hope to start, that Kayak Man just finished

V: Volunteer- something I do for the Red Cross and local hospital.

W: Wedding – the most stressful word in my life at the moment.

X: Kisses! – I know I cheated but how can you not love them – the chocolate kind and the real ones.

Y: Yankees – My team. See B

Z: Zamboni – possibly my most favorite word it always makes me chuckle

So there we have it me from A- Z … Any questions?  lol

See ya around!

Ali xX

3 thoughts on “Whats this all about ?

  1. Ok, I know I should take this moment to say something profound or inspiring my the boys have sucked it out of my brain!

    I am however intrigued by the fact that your blogs are transcribed for you, how do you do it? Do you dictate or provide hand written notes? Either way the writing is beautiful and poignant and totally rivetting!

    Now to think hard about something which will make you believe that you do indeed ROCK 😉

    Yours,
    VP

  2. Wait, Ali, they told you you cannot have children because you have PCOS?

    I have PCOS… they are working with me to help me have children. I am infertile, but no one told me that I can never have children. There are medications you can take, etc to manage PCOS.

    Am I misunderstanding? Please respond. After reading your heartbreakign post I would HATE for a doctor to have dashed your hopes solely on that basis alone.

  3. Hi Kate, just in response to your question ..I was Dx with PCOS in 2006 which is what brought up the whole “can I have kids” question with my care team. It was a question that had never really occured to me before.

    I know that many women with PCOS are able to go on and have children after treatment but in my case there are other issues too. The actual conclusion is.. that I CAN try treatments but I have sevearly reduced chance that they will work. and if i did become pregnant I have a heart issue which makes actually carrying a baby high risk too so it might be unwise.

    I don’t wanna mislead anyone into thinking I’m in a cut and dry situation where I’m physically incapable. I’m just working with rediculously long odds..and some risks to my health.( above those that usally come with pregnancy )

    I have not totally ruled out investigating my options further going through treatment in the future.. but the chances are so slim and after being sucked into mental melt down for two years .. I don’t think I could cope with the rollercoaster of emotions treatment brings when it would would in all probability fail.

    Hopefuly in the future I’ll get stronger …. I just don’t know.

    At the same time I don’t feel any bitterness towards any women who can have babies only happiness for them and a desire to help. Even though the issue of ME having children is very painful to me..Pregancy and birth is an amazing event that can be full of such joy. As you can read on my site I’m actually hoping to train as a midwife so perhaps I can help as many women as possible make a safe journey into Motherhood.

    I wish you all the best with your treatment I’ll be rooting for you and anyone else traveling down that path..may you be blessed & kick some infertility ass.

    I hope that explains my situation a little better ..sorry I waffled on a bit.

    Ali xX

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