Uggh… : /

Frustration and guilt are the order of the day after this weekend. Don’t get me wrong, my Weekend was GREAT. I went home and actually managed a night out at the Wet Spot Cabaret in Leeds which I love and haven’t actually managed to visit since last JUNE.

I had a fantastic night out with KM and our burlesque buddies who form the queue party before doors open.

However… a couple of things really got on top of me and I ended up feeling totally ugh with regards to my healthy eating kick.

First, poor planning: We have to leave our flat in Cheshire around lunch time in order to get to Leeds in time for the queue party. I woke up late and actually ended up skipping both breakfast and lunch. Bad, bad move I know, but we assumed it would be ok and that we would just grab something to eat at the venue, right?

Wrong… They were fully booked and the only thing we could actually get to eat was a packet of crisps or a portion of chips. By the end of our so called meal I’d had 2 bags of salt and vinegar crisps and a portion and a half of Chips. Woops.

The thing is, I felt so disappointed in myself. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t survive on this diet thing if I didn’t allow myself the occasional treat. Nothing is forbidden on the Slimming World plan, it’s just that some things have to be controlled so large glasses of hot chocolate, flapjack, chocolate, dessert and even crisps and chips have all been on my menu in the last 7 weeks. All be it, in smaller quantities than before.

What upset me about this particular weekend was the lack of control. It’s fine in my mind if I make a choice to eat something I know is bad for me / part of the controlled foods section. Usually, I try to really take the time to consider if I actually want the item, then I make a real effort to sit down, take my time and really enjoy it.

The point about this indulgence was that I felt forced into it through lack of forward thinking and that made me upset with myself. It’s one thing cheating on your diet when you want to, but that night I actually WANTED to eat something healthy but couldn’t because when you haven’t eaten all day you take the food that’s on offer.

Later that night, a lovely lady at the table next to me was eating a millionaire’s short bread which I really wanted. KM offered to go and get me one. Finding that there were none left, he brought back two cupcakes for me to choose from with the best of intentions. I picked a wonderful strawberry creation. Trouble is, my actual craving was for millionaires shortbread and this want was clearly not satisfied by a cupcake as the next day when I found some I then ate 2 (admittedly snack size) pieces of the caramel chocolate goodness on top of the strawberry cupcake from the night before.

UGGH- why is it so difficult to realise what you actually are craving and say no to alternatives if they aren’t what you want; a lesson I am clearly still trying to learn !

Frustrated :/

Here’s me ready for our night out :

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Ali xX

Do you feel any diffrent … ? (Slimming World 10lbs )

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Ten pounds total loss so far!

Chuffed to bits with that… I actually got my 1/2 Stone Award this week at Slimming World (7 pounds to my US buddies). This led to me wining the slimmer of the week award – Yep, I was pleased and yes I ALMOST cried again.

A friend of mine asked me if I noticed any difference yet, and the truthful answer is no. I don’t really notice any difference. Other people have commented that they see a difference in my face shape, or that they can tell I lost some weight but so far all the folk who are commenting are people who know about my Slimming World attempts and therefore know how much weight I have lost. I take these comments with a little grain of salt and while they make me smile I doubt very much that there is much noticeable physical difference.

I feel GREAT!  I am now at a lower weight than I was when I last attempted to lose weight with Weight Watchers. I seem to have a little more energy, maybe, but the difference is very slight and so I’m not quite sure if I’m imagining it.

There are a couple of different signs that things may be changing slowly, like for example at one of my swimming sessions last week I was bothered the whole time by a label from my swim suit poking into me. It felt sharp and annoyed the heck out of me so bad that when I got home I immediately had to find the scissors and cut the stoopid thing out. Now I’ve been using this same bathing suit for a couple of years now it has always fit me and I have never EVER noticed a label in it before…

Label now removed, I was once again comfortable until this one session of Aqua Fit where there may have been a slight wardrobe malfunction. Yep, I flashed my tits to the assembled class (thankfully all female). I can’t believe my top-half changed that much, perhaps after 2 years the elastic has given up the ghost. Either way that costume has been retired as I’m not flashing twice. I don’t want to get a reputation hehe.

The second incident: I had a meeting at a local chocolate shop to arrange a chocolate fountain for our wedding party. Yeah, I know this isn’t on the diet plan but I’m only getting married once and I will NEVER stop loving chocolate. Anyways, I was mid conversation and gesticulating wildly with my hands as I do when I’m over excited… and suddenly my engagement ring few off and skated across the table… Oops.

So to answer the question.. No I don’t really feel any different YET… though I’m sure I will if I can just keep on keeping on.

HOWEVER…

It may be that my body is indeed losing weight… starting with my FINGERS and my BOOBS.

Sigh.

Totally not my area of choice but at this point beggars can’t be choosers. I’ll take it. 🙂

Ali xX

Slimming World

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If I started the story of me and my weight issue from the beginning, we would be here all night. Suffice to say that I have struggled with being overweight (lately, seriously obese) all my life. I’ve always been a big girl and usually with a big personality to match. You get kind of defensive when all you hear most of your life is negative comments and pressure surrounding your weight.

My mum batters me about it constantly, and I even recall when I told my family about my PCOS diagnosis; my grandmother piping up “well, I always thought there was something wrong with you, you know because you’re so big”. I can’t say it didn’t hurt or that I wasn’t so embarrassed. I wanted a swift exit out of there. But to be honest, I was also mighty pissed off. As far as I was concerned, there was nothing wrong with me! Other than being the largest of the family…

I’ve been described using various offensive adjectives so many times I couldn’t begin to count…  and I’m here to tell you: I am not: Gross, Disgusting, Sick, Minging, or Lazy. What I am is FAT. I’m not claiming to be big boned or to have some kind of fat genes to excuse it. I’m overweight and largely it’s my fault.

Yes, it’s true I have PCOS and perhaps a bit of an underactive thyroid, which makes losing weight harder than is should be, but the simple facts are I eat too much and I exercise too little.

It’s unhealthy. It affects my life probably in lots of ways I don’t even know yet, but like many other things about me its only one facet of the person that makes Ali, and If you think you have the right to comment or make assumptions about me because of it, then I’m first in the queue to tell you you’re either an insulting A$$ or you’re too stupid to realise the damage your words can cause and in both cases this fat chick feels sorry for you.

It makes me even more angry in the work that I do when I hear women with a “raised BMI” described using all those same offensive adjectives that are partly responsible for my low self esteem. Sadly, I have heard them being used by both professionals and lay people. I have even heard comments that “women that big shouldn’t be having children”. I have news for you: it’s not your call! You are there to provide care, and it seems to me that if you’re caring and compassionate while in the room with a woman and then slating her with your dumb ass judgmental comments behind her back, you’re two faced and untrustworthy.

I would venture that as most women with raised BMI, we could open the whole “BMI is not always a great indicator of a person’s health, anyway” debate… but really, i’m just using the term commonly used by the NHS. As I was saying, women with a raised BMI, myself included: WE KNOW WE’RE FAT. It’s not a revelation.

It’s a bad habit. It’s a lack of information. At worst, it’s an addiction. All in all, it’s a problem with food surrounding food. Unlike other forms of addiction, you can’t really hide this. It’s visible for all to see, but next time you’re harshly judging a fat person. it’s worth thinking about your own faults. What would people think of you if your failings were likewise as visible? Imagine if a smoker’s tumors were growing on the outside of their body, if money visibly constantly poured away from the pockets of those with a gambling problem, or alcoholics began their downward spiral by turning bright yellow from their damaged liver.  It’s amazing the secrets the most judgmental people hide – they could really do with a look in a mirror before they begin throwing stones.

Also, like other forms of addiction, you can’t help someone who doesn’t want your help. Each must decide in their own time when they are ready to confront the issue, but chipping away at someone’s self esteem is going to push them further away from the help your offering. The next time you find yourself commenting on a my weight or what I’m eating, ask yourself first: are you close enough to me, or do you have a duty of care to me which makes my problem your business and second: are you REALLY approaching the issue in a way that encourages me to open up and be honest with you? If you’re the one metaphorically beating me up it’s not going to be you that I ask for help.

Cigarettes, alcohol, gambling… these vices defeat many and are extremely hard to overcome, I grant you, but with each of them your basic strategy is to find a workable way to cut the thing your find yourself addicted to out of your life. You can’t give up food and there’s no patch for it either, it’s all about reeducation and that’s a slow process that takes time.

Going back to my journey, I think I’m finally ready to confront this issue in my life. For a number of reasons:

I feel like a hypocrite at work advising women about healthy eating and the risks of being overweight. I’m not exactly practicing what I preach.

I’m really sick of shopping in the fat girl stores.

I actually would like to avoid diabetes and other nasties in later life.

I have excellent motivation to lose a little weight before my wedding.

About a year ago I actually was on weight watchers for a couple of months and though short and with limited success for the time I was on the program, I actually felt the best I have in a long time and I’d like to get back to feeling that way.

To that end, 2 weeks ago I went along to my first Slimming World meeting. I chose Slimming World over Weight Watchers – a couple of ladies in my class at Uni seem to be doing this program and we have been supporting each other. It really has been helping.

In the last 2 weeks I’ve lost 5lbs. It’s a start, and I know I’m at the beginning of a very long journey, but hopefully this time I will keep walking down this road.

Today, at group, I was given the slimmer of the week award and a sparkly sticker and I was all but speechless. I must have looked kind of silly, but to be honest I was trying very hard not to shed a tear because, well… it was the first time I can remember hearing positive comments and feeling good about my weight issue. Plus, you know you can always win me over with sparkles.

Ali xX