Slimming World


If I started the story of me and my weight issue from the beginning, we would be here all night. Suffice to say that I have struggled with being overweight (lately, seriously obese) all my life. I’ve always been a big girl and usually with a big personality to match. You get kind of defensive when all you hear most of your life is negative comments and pressure surrounding your weight.

My mum batters me about it constantly, and I even recall when I told my family about my PCOS diagnosis; my grandmother piping up “well, I always thought there was something wrong with you, you know because you’re so big”. I can’t say it didn’t hurt or that I wasn’t so embarrassed. I wanted a swift exit out of there. But to be honest, I was also mighty pissed off. As far as I was concerned, there was nothing wrong with me! Other than being the largest of the family…

I’ve been described using various offensive adjectives so many times I couldn’t begin to count…  and I’m here to tell you: I am not: Gross, Disgusting, Sick, Minging, or Lazy. What I am is FAT. I’m not claiming to be big boned or to have some kind of fat genes to excuse it. I’m overweight and largely it’s my fault.

Yes, it’s true I have PCOS and perhaps a bit of an underactive thyroid, which makes losing weight harder than is should be, but the simple facts are I eat too much and I exercise too little.

It’s unhealthy. It affects my life probably in lots of ways I don’t even know yet, but like many other things about me its only one facet of the person that makes Ali, and If you think you have the right to comment or make assumptions about me because of it, then I’m first in the queue to tell you you’re either an insulting A$$ or you’re too stupid to realise the damage your words can cause and in both cases this fat chick feels sorry for you.

It makes me even more angry in the work that I do when I hear women with a “raised BMI” described using all those same offensive adjectives that are partly responsible for my low self esteem. Sadly, I have heard them being used by both professionals and lay people. I have even heard comments that “women that big shouldn’t be having children”. I have news for you: it’s not your call! You are there to provide care, and it seems to me that if you’re caring and compassionate while in the room with a woman and then slating her with your dumb ass judgmental comments behind her back, you’re two faced and untrustworthy.

I would venture that as most women with raised BMI, we could open the whole “BMI is not always a great indicator of a person’s health, anyway” debate… but really, i’m just using the term commonly used by the NHS. As I was saying, women with a raised BMI, myself included: WE KNOW WE’RE FAT. It’s not a revelation.

It’s a bad habit. It’s a lack of information. At worst, it’s an addiction. All in all, it’s a problem with food surrounding food. Unlike other forms of addiction, you can’t really hide this. It’s visible for all to see, but next time you’re harshly judging a fat person. it’s worth thinking about your own faults. What would people think of you if your failings were likewise as visible? Imagine if a smoker’s tumors were growing on the outside of their body, if money visibly constantly poured away from the pockets of those with a gambling problem, or alcoholics began their downward spiral by turning bright yellow from their damaged liver.  It’s amazing the secrets the most judgmental people hide – they could really do with a look in a mirror before they begin throwing stones.

Also, like other forms of addiction, you can’t help someone who doesn’t want your help. Each must decide in their own time when they are ready to confront the issue, but chipping away at someone’s self esteem is going to push them further away from the help your offering. The next time you find yourself commenting on a my weight or what I’m eating, ask yourself first: are you close enough to me, or do you have a duty of care to me which makes my problem your business and second: are you REALLY approaching the issue in a way that encourages me to open up and be honest with you? If you’re the one metaphorically beating me up it’s not going to be you that I ask for help.

Cigarettes, alcohol, gambling… these vices defeat many and are extremely hard to overcome, I grant you, but with each of them your basic strategy is to find a workable way to cut the thing your find yourself addicted to out of your life. You can’t give up food and there’s no patch for it either, it’s all about reeducation and that’s a slow process that takes time.

Going back to my journey, I think I’m finally ready to confront this issue in my life. For a number of reasons:

I feel like a hypocrite at work advising women about healthy eating and the risks of being overweight. I’m not exactly practicing what I preach.

I’m really sick of shopping in the fat girl stores.

I actually would like to avoid diabetes and other nasties in later life.

I have excellent motivation to lose a little weight before my wedding.

About a year ago I actually was on weight watchers for a couple of months and though short and with limited success for the time I was on the program, I actually felt the best I have in a long time and I’d like to get back to feeling that way.

To that end, 2 weeks ago I went along to my first Slimming World meeting. I chose Slimming World over Weight Watchers – a couple of ladies in my class at Uni seem to be doing this program and we have been supporting each other. It really has been helping.

In the last 2 weeks I’ve lost 5lbs. It’s a start, and I know I’m at the beginning of a very long journey, but hopefully this time I will keep walking down this road.

Today, at group, I was given the slimmer of the week award and a sparkly sticker and I was all but speechless. I must have looked kind of silly, but to be honest I was trying very hard not to shed a tear because, well… it was the first time I can remember hearing positive comments and feeling good about my weight issue. Plus, you know you can always win me over with sparkles.

Ali xX

THE appointment

I’d been dreading today’s appointment ever since I made it for two reasons: there was the unknown of a smear test and all the horror stories I’d heard from all sides – even the receptionist at my practice had told me it would be more painful because of my lack of a proper cycle. All I have to say is seriously I have no idea what all the fuss was about. This test is so important and if all the things you could have done which involves a medical professional poking around in that area  this really is NO BIG DEAL… and mine took longer than most because the nurse was unable to see the whole of my cervix and was shifting around in there for a while. Look girls, it’s an odd sensation sure. It’s not something I’d look forward to and if you’ve never been in that position before I can see how it would be a little embarrassing but I’m here to tell you not to stress. There’s no need. So, if like me you’ve been avoiding this thing for too long, just go on – book the thing. The worry is much worse than the actual event. I promise.

Me? Well I have to wait. There’s a chance that the nurse was not able to get a good sample so I’ll have to go and get retested and let the gyne “dig around in there” (Mrs. Nurse’s words – not mine.. you have to giggle)  I’d like to avoid another “digging around” if possible. I mean heck now not only am I pissed because that whole system ain’t working right, but it looks wrong too.  The nurse actually thought it was due to lack of sexual activity. Bwahahaha I am SURE that’s not the case. Let’s hope I don’t need a do over.

Second, the healthy eating. Yeah if you’ve been reading you know that I’ve been hiding from the Wii Fit now for too many weeks and to make matters worse I slept through my last weigh in. I was absolutely dreading stepping on those scales. Sure I’d be in for a huge lecture from Mrs. Nurse but when it came to it I have stayed the same weight. YAAAAAY omg so sooooo happy. I do not understand it, but I am grateful the scales cut me some slack. Now I have got to use this good news to get back into the Wii Fit and back on track!

Ali xX

Ohhhhh! this is what motivation feels like …

OMG I got so much stuff done today I can’t believe it! I totally rocked today like a normal – not depressed no panic attack motivated – individual uh huh!  First I actually got up in time to call the doctor and make an appointment. I had to request to see a different GP after my awful experience last time. This guy was really nice and actually listened to me. There’s a novel idea – paying attention to what your patient is telling you.  He’s changed my Metformin prescription to the Extended Release version which I’m happy about and given me 4 weeks worth. Woohooo for not seeing the doctor for 4 whole weeks!  I also had to have him actually check out my tits because they have still been bothering me. Slightly odd having a discussion with your GP about US medical care while waiting for the female chaperone so he can grope your boobs, but hay I ain’t complaining. Thrilled to report my tits feel normal!  I actually didn’t think I could feel anything odd either, but you know I ain’t taking that chance.  No way. His conclusion: the pain is either hormonal or a result of a strain in my chest muscles. Good news! I’ll just grin and bare it 🙂 I was feeling super organized for actually going round to the pharmacy to organize my pills on the same day after my appointment actually, I arrived home chuffed to bits with myself… UNTIL I open up Google Calendar and realize that I’m meant to be at the healthy living clinic… at the doctor’s surgery… the doctor’s surgery I JUST came in from. I’m meant to be there now!  D’oh… reverse!!! ..I turned right around and rushed back out again WITHOUT my healthy living paperwork. Poof goes any illusion that I’m organized. To make matters worse, the nurse I’m seeing was the very same nurse who was my chaperone. Yeah the same lady who just watched my tit examination. She smiles “you should have said  … I would have fitted you in before …”Uuh huh if I REMEMBERED I WOULD HAVE. Great. Now the nurse thinks I’m fat and dumb :S The good news is my blood tests all came back normal. Can I get a Woot Wooot for not being diabetic or having crippling cholesterol!?? Oh oh oh and another one for having lost 2 lbs since I last stepped on the dreaded scales two weeks ago… YAAAY for smaller numbers!

Leaving the doctors surgery for the SECOND time this morning, the sun was shining so bright and happy like I decided not to get back on the bus and walked into town instead. Yeah, you read that right… I walked 45 minutes into town not because I had to but I actually wanted to!!  I even remembered to stop along the way to find out some costs for shipping I have to do later this month.

I made an appointment to have my hair restyled and colored tomorrow. This is HUGE news for me. I never have a clue what to do with my hair. Its pretty much wave the white flag and surrender. It’s a mess. I always feel intimidated by anyone in a hair salon who assumes I know what they are talking about when they ask me if I want my hair layered or feathered. Mmhumm… who did you learn all this from… because I missed that class!?  And anyways you look like you know what you’re doing. Your hair is perfect so how about you DECIDE? You clearly have better judgment about these things than me.  You can see the tangled mess on my head, yes? I’m actually excited. The lady I spoke with today was much more approachable and I felt like I could actually talk to her. I’m also nervous as all hell because I’ve never had my hair professionally colored before. I did go black… oh oh and purple once… back in midst of my teen days.  There is no photographic evidence!

I got my eyes tested and ordered new glasses too. They should be ready in around a week… so I can check that off my list.

I went makeup shopping. Hurrah for new lippy and even mascara (sheesks this stuff should come with a free crash course on how to apply without making a royal mess)

I even called my job broker to let him know about my interview and arrange a little grant so I can buy a new shirt to wear. Yup, trying to be smart here. Most of the things I had for work have gotten a lot worse for wear since I haven’t had to dress that way for over 2 years.

I even remembered to get my multi-vitamins while I was out. There’s one shop in town I have to go to for them and I always seem to forget and end up making a special trip.. Today I remembered as I was passing… yay!

And and and… I got my nails done today! Uh huh… yeah… I now have shiny new nail extensions that I love… and despite a severe allergy to the color pink, I’m coping with the HOT PINK nail art design the technician painted on the tips quite well. Poll: how long before I can reasonably go back and get it replaced with something else? Me and PINK do not get along. The brighter the shade, the worse my problem, so this fluorescent glow in the dark… HOT PINK… ummm “not very Ali” would be the polite way of putting it.




After all this, I came home and collapsed for a little while… but I get bonus points for firmly resisting all junk and fast food while I was out and eating a very healthy lunch!  And the motivation thing did not stop there. I also finally got ‘round to E-mailing a response to my aunt to pass on to my dad. I even sent out a few pictures for him!

Mhummm… today I’m on fire. Blowing through my to do list. You know I like this motivation thing. I hope it hangs around for a while.

Ali   xX

K.S.: Mmmm… Ribs for dinner

Doomsday looming.

I had an appointment at the healthy eating clinic. The 10 minute long session was with a practice nurse again – somebody who didn’t appear to actually register that I’d told her I had PCOS and was looking for some dietary advice related to the condition… nor did she seem concerned at all by the fact that I lurch from struggling to actually eat 3 meals a day and keep them down some days to the opposite extreme where I can pack away a stupid amount without even feeling like I’ve eaten. This happens too frequently. She didn’t seem to have any ideas as to what might be the cause. Frankly, she didn’t really care. I really wish I was able to find somebody – anybody – who could give me specific PCOS advice. The search for this mysterious person goes on, I guess. The nurse did however order blood tests: two of them in fact. The first is a glucose test to check for diabetes – something I requested (YAY for listening to me). I’ve been curious/concerned about this ever since the PCOS diagnosis seen as how women with the condition are at higher risk of insulin resistance and diabetes. I’m so pleased somebody is finally going to check it. Will lay my mind to rest if nothing else and if there is a problem hmm I think I need to know! The second blood test ordered was a cholesterol test – first time I’ve had one of these as well. We’ll see what the results bring. Judgment Day is next Tuesday at 9.20 am. I say Judgment Day but of course the crimson vials still have to be sent to a lab somewhere so judgment won’t actually be passed on Tuesday. Perhaps Doomsday might be more appropriate seen as how it involves a 14 hour fast (you can bet I’ll be feeling ravenous that night sods law) an early start (I am so not a morning person) and an unavoidable date with an object that strikes fear into my heart – so much more successfully than the idea of commitment, or a plague of cicadas… and that’s saying a LOT. Yes you’ve guessed it – NEEDLE and I have been set on a collision path. Its not gonna be pretty. At my last practice I was automatically made to lie down and pushed right up against a wall any time I had blood work simply because the likelihood is I’m gonna pass out and if (when) that happens I can’t fall from that position. Uh huh, I ended up on the floor a few times before they figured this out (I’m such a wus). Oddly though I can watch other people go through the same ordeal without batting an eyelid. It’s not that I derive pleasure from the torture of others or anything. Honest. I just don’t find staying conscious a problem.

Time to step on the scales – something I do with about the same enthusiasm as stepping up on the gallows.  I swear I could hear the faint drum beat signaling impending execution in my ears. Those few second take FOREVER… can I get off yet? OH NO THATS BAD… but it is 5 kg or so less than I thought, so it’s not the end of the world or anything. No falling on my knees, wailing and nashing of teeth, asking for the ground to suddenly eat me etc. I’ve been given a generic diet plan. Meh. Some advice on portion control (hay miss, if you think I’m bad at this, take a trip across the pond. Your brain will explode). Still, useful advice.  Work on portion control. Gotcha.

What’s this? A food diary… hmmm I’m not sure about this. it feels a bit like being on report at school. You know, having to get a teacher to sign a scrap of paper to say you were actually present at each class… not that I have experience of this. I was a good girl… or a skilled BS artist… I’ll let you be the judge 😛 I think the diary is too much for me ..It feels like I’m being told off or punished. Kind of makes me want to REBEL! 😛  but I will give it a chance… I suppose…

Next appointment: 2 weeks from now.

In other news… I got my CV off to the person who needs it today …that would be my Job broker and I picked up a beginners’ yoga DVD today. I felt like trying it, hopefully to help me learn to do that relaxing thing a bit better. Of course buying the thing and actually using it are sooo not the same but the thought was there. I’ll put it on my to do list for tomorrow.

Ali xX

K.S.: delicious weight watchers black current cheesecake = dessert with no guilt

Lotions, potions, pills … NEEDLES ?!

I finally got myself organized and out into the sunshine today to take my registration forms back to the new surgery, so I now OFFICIALLY have a new doctor (at least I will when the Practice Manager comes back from holiday and puts my details on system,. but I have faith.  Part of my new positive thinking drive). So, don’t let me forget I need to call and make my first actual appointment on Wednesday morning around 8am … 8am?!!  Some nights I’m just crawling INTO bed at 8am… so far I’m feeling good about the change. It looks like I might be able to get counseling and dietician appointments at the same place, both things that are on my list of actions I think I need to take to get on top of the health situation and stay there! (The list… that I actually have to write down ON PAPER before Wednesday with a list of questions /concerns too!) Yes, I may actually be doing more preparation for this appointment than some of the exams I have taken in my life.  It may seem crazy, but I’m trying this new approach as a “head fake”. You know, a way to convince my brain that I am confident,  I know what I need and I can admit what I don’t understand  NOT… NOPE… NOT at all worrying myself silly about talking to a doctor I don’t know and telling them all this stuff that I really don’t WANT to share. My brain is not convinced yet… must write list .. MUST write list!  

I’ve been offered counseling before but it’s never really worked out for me. I find the idea that I’m expected to open up to someone I just met frankly quite laughable… (As you can see from the slightly neurotic nature of the above paragraph). Truthfully they would probably gain more insight from reading this silly thing than physically talking to me.  Previous attempts have been epic failures where either we’ve sat in awkward silence the whole time twiddling our thumbs as I proceed to read every single information poster, picture, even the titles of books on a book shelf, just to avoid eye contact while trying to use the power of my mind to make the phone RING so they can talk to someone else OR the opposite approach – I give my standard reply “I’m ok” followed by “no, really, I’m fine.” I go off yakking about something totally random… we end up laughing and… and they wind up agreeing with me “you’re fine!” we shake hands… smiles… have a nice life  and I never have to go back into that awkward uncomfortable place where someone might actually see me FAILING to deal with stuff  and call me out on it again…YAAAY !!!

*head -> desk* Have I told you that I majored in drama? ACTING…its WHAT I DO!   I’m really good at faking it… really good at plastering on a smile when I need to… putting on a mask… not revealing anything… showing you the side of me that IS OK…  and if you don’t know me well enough, like, for example, if we just met that afternoon – my experience is you won’t pick up on it, unless of course your reading this and I just told you.  If you are, let me tell you something else: there’s this whole other side of me that’s not coping, and if you bought my performance, that part of me is laughing at you and I’m not  make any progress.

Speaking of tangents… I had this really nuts dream last night. I went into space on a school trip to some settlement that looked like a cross between a dive bar in Star Wars and a motorway service station.  I was struggling to breathe and dying of heat, searching the gift shop for the “I’ve been to Saturn” fridge magnet without success. My subconscious obviously liked something about that Shuttle / Space Station discussion I was having with Gadget Guy… analyze that… on second thought –  don’t 😛

So, yeah, decided to give counseling one final chance and this time I will actively TRY to disable my own defense mechanisms.  I don’t hold out much hope but at least I will have given it a shot.

 As for the dietician, well I need to get this diet / exercise thing going but there seems so much to consider with trying to manage PCOS, depression… and lose weight.  I think I need professional help and guidance.

Enough of that for now. On to some reading I’ve been doing lately about the benefits of acupuncture treatment for PCOS. Now given that I am deathly afraid of needles in a eeek eeek eeeek…OMG I can’t look! Hide my face in my hands and squeal like a 5 year old kind of way. I cannot believe I’m actually considering this, but I’m so desperate for improvement, I’ll try anything. Still more reading is needed because a large portion of my mind is still saying “you mean needles… SEVERAL of them… YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!”

 While I was doing this research today, I found a couple of links may prove useful:

The first is the link to the UK patient support group Verity. I still haven’t made the final decision to join yet, but they seem to have support groups set up in a few areas around the UK as well as holding a few national events open to all members. Their nest event is on 28th of March in Birmingham titled “PCOS Emotions Workshop 2009”

I even have this speck of an idea that if there’s not a support group in my area, I should go ahead and start one.  On the other hand it could be that the boy I live with and his passion for wild / crazy / hair brained schemes is rubbing of on me.

Are any of you already members, if so has it been helpful / worthwhile? 

The second link was a site I found selling supplements related to PCOS. It’s well organized; all the products are listed under the specific symptoms they are thought to help. It’s called PCOS Online. To be honest I find the amount of possible supplements a bit daunting. I’m only just starting out my research and I think I’ll consult my doctor before going on a shopping spree, lest I do some harm with a toxic combination or something, but if you’re searching for something specific it may be worth a look.

I feel like I’m only seeing the tip of a huuuge iceberg of information out there. There’s so much more to read, consider… BUT it feels so good to be doing something. I actually feel like I’m learning about myself mentally and physically.  I just have to accept that it’s not just my personality that makes me high maintenance.  My body is that way too.

Ali xX

K.S. I’m not alone .. and there’s help out there !

Houston,we have a problem.

Harassed, flustered and frustrated… I’ve made the same old mistake of trying to do three things at once all day with the result that I feel run off my feet but actually achieved surprisingly little much else to my annoyance.  However, I said I would talk about some of the changes I’ve made to my diet so I’m here… let’s talk.

I’ve hit a problem. As you know, I have renounced “giving up” for the period of Lent. It sounded like a great idea at the time, but as I try to implement my Master Plan the realization dawns that, as usual, I haven’t quite thought this through. I mean, like most people, I’m sure there are things that I do. Habits, that I really aught to be quitting or at least trying to cut back. Let me introduce you to one of them.

MAOAM – little squares of fake fruit flavored candy goodness made by HARIBO. I started buying these a few months back in order to combat a previous addiction to another HARIBO product: Starmix. The reasoning was sound. These sweets come in a smaller packet; there are less of them so it seemed like a good idea at the time to replace my frequent purchases of Starmix with MAOAMs. I got what I wanted. Starmix and I are well and truly over, but these little suckers are addictive (at least to me) and the very reason I decided to buy them (the smaller packet size) is only making it worse.  They are cheaper and the box of the damn things is on the end of an aisle in my local supermarket.  It’s so easy just to toss a few in with my shopping. Sometimes I swear they have a Tractor Beam pulling me in. I can feel myself unconsciously veering in their direction as I try to pass in search of frozen veg. I am well and truly hooked. If it were up to me, I’d be having daily after dinner MAOAMs. It’s madness, and what makes a stupid thing even more dumb – even more unbelievable – I DONT EVEN LIKE THEM. They taste of sugar. How they can even put the names of fruit on these labels is a travesty of food labeling. They are sticky, messy and horrible.  I feel guilty as soon as they have passed my lips. I mean I should have standards, right?  If I’m going to eat something bad for me, there are a billion other things I would rather screw my diet over for. Most of what comes to mind is chocolate. In nature, I grant you, but at least I love chocolate. LOVE. Eating chocolate is delightfully sinful – like buying an extra pair of heels… or sex in public. I can’t even use a lack of available chocolate as an excuse I have tons of the stuff and good chocolate to M&M’s in every color of the rainbow… Hershey’s Kisses coming out my ears… mmmmm kisses… NEXT to kisses, betraying my beloved Hershey’s for these impostors makes me feel dirty.  It has to STOP.  It gets worse.  MAOAMs are actually damaging my health. I mean basically there only ingredient is sugar and for someone with PCOS which is linked to Insulin resistance, Alarm bells should be ringing. I’m booking a one way ticket to diabetes which is defiantly a path I am happy to continue on. I’m kicking the habit – going cold turkey. No more for me!

So, yeah, some things I will be giving up during Lent. It feels slightly weird after my brazen claim that I would not “give up” for the 40 days. Here I am, not even a week in, packing something in. Really, I should have done some forward planning; set up some rules; only stopped giving up on the plan. The only way that my twisted Brain can come up with – to keep balance of karma right – is that I have to take on something healthy for each bad habit that I decide to abandon. Sort of like an exchange.

I’m going to start eating a healthy breakfast – something I’ve struggled with for ages.  We’re told over and over that breakfast is the most important meal of the day and the one we are mostly likely to skip. I started looking around for a ideas. I need to start off on the right foot and find something that’s actually healthy or I’ll be defeating the whole point.  I kept coming back to a portion of oats. From what I read, there are many health benefits associated with eating a bowl of oats each morning, some of which include controlling blood sugar, aiding weight loss, reducing cholesterol and blood pressure. So, for the past few days, I’ve been having a breakfast of porridge when I get up. I’d say “breakfast” but suffering from insomnia, I often don’t sleep until the early hours of the morning, so its not exactly what normal people would call “breakfast time,” but its my first meal of the day (working on the sleep issue too). I can’t tell you of any health benefits in my case, of course. It’s only been a few days, but I have noticed a bit of difference in myself. I feel fuller for longer; I don’t feel as bloated and I’m snacking on less rubbish without even thinking about it because I just don’t need it. So, even though I’m not exactly enjoying this new addition to my daily routine, its making enough of a difference to me that I want to persevere. Maybe I can develop a taste for them

Never did take those pictures today… but there’s always tomorrow 🙂

Ali xX

K.S.: laughing like a kid watching contestants in The Amazing Race throw huge cakes at each others faces (I’m really lucky that I have access to my friend’s TiVo over the internet. Been able to catch up on some of my favorite US TV shows)

It can’t be … OMG it is…




Things I need to do. What I have to change to go from being the mess I am now to the person I used to be – even the person I want to become. Its not gonna be earth shattering.  We’re thinking small baby steps here. Got it? Of course part of the plan is to add more steps as we progress, but you shouldn’t try to run before you can walk – you end up flat on your face and giving up again. So, here goes…

 Roughly speaking the plan can be broken into two main areas: I’m labeling these “Get a Grip” and “Get a Life”.  “Get a Grip” will be reserved for all the things I have to do – you know the things I should have been doing this whole flipping time.  Dare I say maybe this is the stuff that landed me here, mostly to do with the health situation? whereas “Get a Life” will be reserved for the things I want to do – goals I want to achieve, hobbies I’d like to pursue – generally rebuilding my life. Re-injecting the FUN.

“Get a Grip”

  • First and most important, I must ask for help. I don’t understand a lot of this health stuff and I need to. This means actually finish registering with the correct GP.  No more traveling an hour to get to the old surgery because I end up not going. I will write a list of all the issues I need to bring up before I go and I must make sure that they are talked about or further appointments are arranged to deal with my concerns.  I will not feel bad for taking up the doctors’ time anymore.  That’s what they are paid for and I deserve attention just like anyone else who is worried sick about their health (or just sick of course!)  
  • Second, I will commit to my medication.  This means that I will not be ashamed to take anti depressant medication when I need it. I will ask about resuming drug treatment for PCOS. I will actually take my multi vitamin every day and will try adding evening primrose oil hopefully to fight the curse of mood swings. But wait – there’s more… I am going to find out about each drug I’m taking – read about it and make informed choices. I’m fed up of popping pills because someone tells me to. It’s not that I don’t trust doctors but I should know what’s going into my body and why!         
  • Third, I will take responsibility for my diet. Yup, cutting the junk food, adding more veg, cooking for myself more – all these good things.  I will ask for a referral to a dietician and read up on controlling PCOS and depression/anxiety through diet making changes accordingly
  •  Fourth, fitness. Yes, this means the dreaded “E” word: exercise. I’m going to make an effort to find types of exercises that I enjoy and stick to them. I say make an effort, because I’m trying to be realistic and the “E” thing… that’s a big ask for me but I will try
  • Fifth, weight. I want / need / must lose some.  Hopefully 3 & 4 will help with that, but I must try to be realistic with PCOS. It will be tough and I may not see many results. I will try not to get disheartened, focusing instead on being a healthier person. I will state right now that I would only be open to weight loss surgery if and only if it was with a view to some type of fertility treatment and even then as a last resort.    
  • Lastly, (warning guys this may be TMI) I will keep a proper record of my moods, any symptoms, and any bleeding / periods  by writing them down… somewhere… so that I can try to establish if there are any patterns or similarities . I’ve been talking about this for ages with a friend (well really he’s been nagging me… and he’s right).  I will actually set up a health journal.

“Get a Life”

  •  First, I will force myself to get better at keeping in touch with my friends – by calling, emailing, even – shock horror – visiting as finances permit and I will l try to be more open with them about what’s actually going on (wish me luck with this)
  • Second, I will look for a job. I want one – to help with 1 but also because I’m so sick of being out of work and claiming benefit.  I know that times are hard and that I’ve been out of work for 2 years so it will be hard, but I will keep looking.  at the same time, though, I will not take just any job at risk of making myself  ill again trying to avoid one step forward two steps back . I will take small steps, so part time work would probably be better right now
  • Third, I will do more things that I enjoy: taking up my cross stitch again, reading a book each month for pleasure, trying to see a movie at least once a month… maybe even going to the theatre (again money allowing ). I will learn to cook more because I do enjoy it.  I may even try to find a theatre group to become involved in… maybe .
  • Fourth, I will go out everyday, even if it’s just for a short walk.  I will try to pay more attention to the world around me and I will not give up. I will beat the panic attacks for they are “STOOPID”, ANNOYING AND WRONG 
  • Fifth, I will NOT give up on my dream. Ok, the kids thing is kind of out of my hands (rooting for science and technology though :P) Plan B: I’ve always wanted to travel around America and write a book about it. Well, really I’d give my right arm to move there. I can’t see a way for that to happen at the moment, but I won’t give up. In the mean time, I will find out all I can about this country that I love – its culture, history, politics and people – with a particular interest in baseball of course. I will take-on as many fact finding missions to this place of wonder as I can (afford)  
  • Finally, I will teach myself to take better pictures because they hold memories.  

*breathes * 

TA daaa… there it is… my Master Plan. Feel free to comment but be gentle. If you can’t be nice be aware that I am free to ignore you 😛


This is a process ok I will not change overnight. I’m only human. I can’t promise that I will stick to all of it all of the time, but I will try my best and I will not give up!


 Ali xX